


Marvel Headcanons (That No-one Wanted)

by marvelmarvelmarvel (wait_is_that_a_ship)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: I Don't Even Know, Marvel Headcanons, headcanons, marvel trash, that no-one wanted
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-01 17:14:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 47
Words: 2,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14525433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wait_is_that_a_ship/pseuds/marvelmarvelmarvel
Summary: A collection of our Marvel Headcanons from Tumblr. Enjoy!





	1. Marvel Headcanons (That No-one Wanted) No. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we've had the account for a while now, and there a whole bunch of head canons, so... Enjoy!

 

 **Pietro:** Meep Meep motherfuckers

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who remembers this?


	2. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 2

**Something:** Explodes

 **Bucky:** Same

 **Shuri:** (From across the battlefield) Fuck Yeah!


	3. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 3

**T'Challa:** So, Shuri, what did you do today?

 **Shuri:** I taught the white boys the way of the meme.


	4. Marvel Headcanons (That No-One Wanted) No. 4

**Shuri:** What are you doing?

 **Peter:** Building a lego Death star…

 **Shuri:** Fuckin’ nerd lemme help


	5. Marvel Headcanons (That No-One Wanted) No. 5

Shuri’s Instagram and Snapchat username is M3m3lord$upr€me$huri™.  
No-one can tell me otherwise.


	6. Marvel Headcanons (That No-one Wanted) No. 6

**Steve:** Tony if you stay up all night, you’re going to hate yourself in the morning.

 **Tony:** Jokes on you, I’m gonna hate myself in the morning no matter what.


	7. Marvel Headcanons (That No-one Wanted) No. 7

**Clint:** Looks pretty muggy outside today.

 **Natasha:** Clint, if all our mugs are outside today, I will kill you myself.

 **Clint:** *Sips coffee from a bowl*


	8. Marvel Headcanons (That No-one Wanted) No. 8

During a gaming night, the Avengers are playing Mario Cart, and find out the Hawkeye never misses. Ever. if you get blue shelled you are dead.


	9. Marvel Headcanons (That No-one Wanted) No. 9

**Everything:** *is on fire*

 **Peter:** Aw no but i had a chemistry test on Monday


	10. Marvel Headcanons (That No-one Wanted) No. 10

**Shuri:** Peteeeer this booring. You said America would be fun!

 **Peter:** No, i said i was going to the store and you didn't have to come.

 **Peter:** But you said 'fuck you i do what i want' and now you're here.


	11. Marvel Headcanons (That No-one Wanted) No. 11

**Peter:** I'm sorry, i don't like saying the word butthead, but Mr. Stark was being a real butthead today.

 **Tony:** He called me a what?

 **Tony:** He's so precious.


	12. Marvel Headcanons (That No-one Wanted) No. 12

**Rhodey:** The apocalypse is coming and the first thing you do is order pizza?!

 **Tony:** I can't help it i'm stressed!


	13. Marvel Headcanons (That No-one Wanted) No. 13

**Bucky, drunk in a homophobic bar in the 1930's:** yOU SE THIs pUNk sON oF A BitcH riGHT HEre WIth hiS GodDAmNED PRetTY eyeS HOw caN yA NOT Be GAY foR THAT.

 **Steve:** *Facepalms*


	14. Marvel Headcanons (That No-one Wanted) No. 14

**Therapist:** So, take me back. When did it all start going wrong?

 **Tony:** Probably my birth.


	15. Marvel Headcanons (That No-one Wanted) No. 15

**Natasha, in Russian:** How was your day, Wanda?

 **Wanda, also in Russian:** Pretty good, really. You? And Bucky, how are things on your end?

 **Bucky, in Russian:** Not bad. i can't really complain. are we baking cookies again tonight?

 **Hydra Agent, who doesn't understand Russian:** What the hell are you saying? Are you going to torture me? Please i'll tell you everything.

 **Natasha:** Oh fuck yeah the mission. Oops.


	16. Marvel Headcanons (That No-one Wanted) No. 16

Whenever Natasha, Bucky and Wanda are all awake at 1am because of the nightmares, they bake cookies and tell each other stories about themselves, and of their time in HYDRA, and it helps. It becomes a weekly thing, and eventually Tony bumps into them because he’s always up working at odd hours of the morning, and he says ‘fuck it’ and tries all their cookies for them and gives them advice on cookie baking. He critigues them until the make the best cookies in. The. Entire. Universe.

Tony never tells anyone. It’s partly because he wants to give the scary ex-HYDRA people their privacy, but also because those cookies are too good to share and he needs the best cookies.


	17. Marvel Headcanons (That No-one Wanted) No. 17

**Tony:** And so i made the decision to fight him alone.

 **Bucky:** Well that that was dumb.

 **Tony:** I didn't say it was a good decision.


	18. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 18

**Shuri:** I hate seat belts, they stop me from dying


	19. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 19

**Loki:** How much of this meatball is actually meat?

 **Tony:** I don't know like 90%

 **Loki:** So it's 10% balls?

 **Natasha and Clint:** *Spit out food*


	20. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 20

**Tony:** Hello my beautiful son, just wondering did you eat my hummus as it seems to have disappeared and i was looking forward to it.

 **Peter:** Maybe

 **Tony:** Fucker


	21. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 21

Clint, Coulson and Natasha did not start the S.H.I.E.L.D. Fight Club. Definitely not. Nope.

Note: S.H.I.E.L.D. does not have a Fight Club. Definitely not.


	22. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 22

In an Avengers game night, the Avengers decide to play poker.

Natasha’ poker face is “too good, it’s basically cheating”.

Clint keeps getting bankrupt, and then betting stuff like his bow or his car keys.

Tony wears a white suit, fedora and uses an italian accent when he plays. Natasha, Bruce and Clint got really mad at him, but Thor and Steve didn’t really get the joke.

Thor doesn’t get how card games work, and keeps turning to the person next to him and loudly announcing “I have the seven spades and the ten diamonds! what do these omens mean, friend?”

Steve gets the rules and has a decent poker face, but he has really bad luck and keeps getting distracted whenever Tony makes pop-culture references.

Meanwhile, Bruce sits there, a silent master, counting cards like a pro, folding when he needs to and occasionally winning big hands. It takes a while for someone to notice that he has half the chips on the board, leading to a loud “how the hell did that happen?!”


	23. Marvel Headcanon (That No-One Wanted) No. 23

**Tony:** Add alcohol. What could possibly go wrong?


	24. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No.24

**Steve:** Hi, I'm Steve and you are...?

 **Bucky:** Questioning my sexuality.


	25. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 25

**Steve:** They've been arguing for three hours.

 **Clint:** Tony and Bucky? Why?

 **Steve:** Bucky says he can kill Tony with one finger, and Tony says that's impossible.

 **Bucky:** Do you see this finger? This finger kills people.


	26. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 26

**Steve:** Do we have a plan?

 **Tony:** Nope. We'll just make one up.


	27. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 27

> Its 3am and I want to know that if IW is set 3 years later then did Tony go to Peter’s graduation.

 

He did. No-one believed Peter about the Stark Internship, but then Tony Freakin' Stark turns up at Peter’s graduation and the entire school just fangirls in awe for 3 hours. Best day ever.


	28. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 28

**Thor:** Where do you keep your strongest alcohol?

 **Tony:** In that cupboard... Why?

 **Valkyrie:** *runs to cupboard*

 **Valkyrie:** *drinks an entire bottle of vodka*


	29. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 29

The next Avengers movie is Avengers: The Last Avenger.

And everyone dies except Tony.

It’s like his vision, when Wanda got inside his head, but so much worse.

Because this time Peter is dead too, and Pepper and Steve and Rhodey and Natasha and Bruce and T’Challa and Shuri and Thor and everyone who he ever loved or cared for.

So he plans for months, and breaks into one of Thanos’s vaults, and steals the Time Stone. He travels back, and tries to stop all of it from happening.

He fails.

He gets the time stone and tries again. And again. And again.

Eventually he manages to save everyone, but at a price. He’s been so tortured by what he’s seen, those countless deaths caused by him, that all of the Avengers, and everyone he was trying to save, can barely be in the same room as him because of that ghostly, haunted look in his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for this one. Also, it was made before infinity war. Weird how i was half right, actually.


	30. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 30

**Peter:** Mr Stark, sir, i'm sorry forgive me but today has been hard.

 **Peter:** *takes two shots of milk*


	31. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 31

**Tony:** *looks at a problem*

 **Tony:** Add alcohol. What could possibly go wrong.


	32. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 32

**Peter:** Waitwait wait

 **Peter:** What's the plan exactly?

 **Shuri:** Don't die


	33. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 33

**Tony:** What if your conscience is your future self telling you what to do through memories...

 

 **Rhodey:** Tony wtf it's 3am


	34. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 34

Tony Stark books restaurants and hotels under the name Robert Downey Jr.

Robert Downey Jr. books restaurants and hotels under the name Tony Stark.


	35. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 35

  **Ned:** Wow. That was humiliating.

 

 **Peter:** Yeah...

 

 **Ned:** Guess it's time to fake our deaths!

 

 **Peter:** Wait, what?!


	36. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 36

Phil Coulson has a lot of fun messing with people. He answers random questions with “I’m sorry, that’s Classified information” or “According to SHEILD Protocol 428 i am unable to answer that question” or “No comment”. So, at random:

 **Clint:** So, Coulson, what’s your favourite flavour of doughnut?

 **Coulson:** That’s classified.

* * *

 

 **Agent:** Wait, how old are you, exactly?

 **Coulson:** I’m not at liberty to say.

 **Agent:** Why?

 **Coulson:** It’s Level 9 Top Secret information.


	37. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 37

**Tony:** Try me bro

 **Peter Q:** I will always win

 **Peter Q:** I will one-up you bro


	38. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 38

**Shuri:** This is my cat.

 **Shuri:** His name is T'Challa.

 **Shuri:** And unlike my brother T'Challa, I trust him with my life.

 **T'Challa:** IT'S A FUCKING CAT SHURI


	39. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 39

Tony Stark runs his own fan blogs. He never actually says anything, but Tumblr knows because whenever someone on Tumblr suggests something, within the next week he actually does it.

**BONUS:**

Peter Parker runs one of the fan blogs as well, and he’s talking to Tony one day and mentions the blog in passing and Tony nearly dies hiding his laughter because OMG he followed his son on Tumblr and he hadn’t noticed.


	40. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 40

 

**Bucky:** I have an irrational fear of 30 year old men

  
**Sam:** Dude, you're like 100?

  
**Bucky:** Yes but technically i was asleep

 


	41. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 41

When Clint vanishes off SHIELD’s radar after a mission gone south in Budapest, SHIELD genuinely thinks he’s dead. There’s a funeral (no body), a pause, and then SHIELD is too preoccupied with the sudden destruction of the Red Room to think about Clint Barton.

Until six months later, when Clint turns up in Paris, France, with a van full of random junk and an ex-red room agent. The only explanation is:

“We took down the Red Room for you. You’re welcome. This is Natasha, by the way. She’s chill. She’d be a great agent.”


	42. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 42

**Deadpool:** I bet Spiderman smells like daisies.  
 **Weasel:** I dunno, bro  
 **Weasel:** I think he's smell more like sunshine though  
 **Deadpool** : Sunshine would smell hot though  
 **Weasel:** ...  
 **Deadpool:** ...  
 **Deadpool:** Oh wait


	43. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 43

Tony and Clint often argue about… Coffee.

Tony likes the super expensive varieties imported from Jamaica, hand-ground fresh just before it’s brewed. Clint likes instant coffee. Lots of instant coffee. All he needs is the coffee.

But, whenever Tony stays up three nights in a row to do a project, he doesn’t care where the coffee comes from as long as it’s coffee.

So that’s how Clint finds Tony at 2am, drinking instant coffee by the pot just to keep awake. Clint brags about being right for a bit. Clint ends up winning the argument.


	44. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 44

Everyone knows Steven Rogers, but not everyone knows about the temper he carries with him. It becomes known that in our time how he is always shouting to vaccinate your kids, how every sexuality matters, and if you dare be racist or ignorant anywhere near him, it’s your death wish.

But not everyone knows where it came from.

Enter, Sarah Rogers, a short, sickly, kick-ass blonde, who does not stand for any type of rudeness and hatred toward people for being who they are.

Particularly known for her back-alley street fights, she deck you one on any matter, whether it’s rape, or her son. Sarah Rogers hates bullies. And it’s something she repeats nearly everyday to her precious Steve, something she teaches religiously, no one deserves to be put down. 

Whilst her son may not be the best fighter at first, she still tries, and tries, teaching her son everything she knows, how to throw a punch, how to kick up, how to defend yourself.

Sarah Rogers is Steve’s inspiration, and even back then, she was never wrong


	45. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 45

In early 2005, just two years after Clint joined SHIELD, he was sent on a mission to take out the infamous Black Widow. HE arrived in Budapest, only to get hit with a nice red-haired woman’s car as she drove to a coffee shop to meet a friend.  
It was only after the third coffee that Clint realised she was the Black Widow.

And then her friend walked in with knives out of nowhere and complete silence, Clint nearly lost his shit.

Natasha takes him back to their base, and explained that her and her teacher, the Winter Soldier, had escaped from the Red Room and were on the run. They slowly become friends, and clint helps them to take out the Red Room.

(SHIELD loses its shit over Barton going missing. There’s a funeral, and everyone mourns. Then the agent turn back to their work and try to found out who is taking out all these Red Room bases.)

Six months later, they’re onto their final base. The Winter Soldier talks a lot more than he used to, and seems to remember some of what happened before he got taken in and turned int own assassin.

At the final base, a massive fight ensues, and Clint and Natasha barely make it out alive. The Winter soldier gets taken back by the Red Room. Clint and Natasha get picked up by SHIELD, and spend their free time searching in vain for their lost friend.


	46. Marvel Headcanon (That No-One Wanted) No. 46

  
**Tony:** It's for April Fools Day!

  
 **Bruce:** Tony it's _June_


	47. Marvel Headcanon (That No-one Wanted) No. 47

Natasha is a surprisingly good at sewing.

She modifies all of her clothing so that there are blades sewn into them and garrotte wires in the seams.


End file.
